Soul and spiritual intimacy are the key to a long and strong family life . But sometimes closeness grows into indifference, and indifference into alienation. Why do those who have sworn eternal allegiance to each other become strangers? How to recognize signs of exclusion and prevent a crisis in family relationships , says Yevgeniya Zotkina, clinical psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences.
One of the key identification marks is irritability without cause, the so-called clinging to trifles. The reason for this irritation lies not in them, but lies in a completely different plane.
When people fall in love, they see everything in pink. We often abide in the dreams of another person, we think up a lot for ourselves. And then life checks how our fantasies about each other coincided with reality. Disappointment and resentment build up. And often the spouse or her own problems - their unfulfillment, making the wrong decisions, their failures - shifts to the partner and demands that he decorate his life. Such people believe that they cannot be happy until they have a certain set of benefits - a car, an apartment, a lot of money, prestigious work. They reduce their existence to boring schemes - he came home from work, ate and lay down on the sofa in front of the TV, they are not happy or delighted with anything in life. And if you continue to unwind this tangle, then such a person doesn’t really like his work, and the spouse doesn’t like him very much. As a rule, a person assimilates this form of being at an early age from his parents, who believed that life should be difficult, there is nothing good in it, and what is there to rejoice if there is deception and misfortune around. This is the so-called philosophy of decadence.
Reasons for an Unhappy Marriage
Often, the couple grow cold to each other and cease to be happy, primarily because they have nothing to give to each other. You need to understand that the world is the art of the possible, that not everyone can get the job that he likes and earn as much as he wants, but you always need to strive for this and not give up your hopes and desires. And then the life of this person will not turn into a joyless existence, survival. He does not close his world to the level of his work, he will always find an opportunity to pay attention to his interests. After all, now you can find a lot of interesting things for your own development and enrichment. And this is not about money.
Neurophysiological studies were conducted: scientists scanned the human brain and studied how it responds to emotions of joy. It turned out that in order to experience great joy, a person needs only a trifling excuse - to smile at a child passing by, pet a cat, eat candy. A person can be happy from nonsense and, accumulating emotions of joy in himself, becomes a happy person. The more we rejoice in the little things, the more we develop the ability to rejoice. With negative emotions, the same thing happens.
But it seems to a person that he will be much happier if he wins a car, buys an apartment, makes a lot of money than if he just goes for a walk in the park and enjoys the first snow or the sun. The brain responds to “big” and “small” joys in exactly the same way. Therefore, it is very important to fill your own life with small joys, and then the spouse will feel this joy coming from you, and also share his joy with you. For example, prepare dinner and arrange food in beautiful plates, decorate the table, dress beautifully. From small joys and a desire to make one’s life more beautiful, more interesting, a lot in the family is changing for the better.
If one of the spouses has lost interest in the other
This is quite common in married couples. In general, it rarely happens when spouses love each other equally and relate to each other equally well. In such a situation, it is important not to be offended by the spouse, that the spouse does not meet your expectations, but try to understand his mood and allow the other to be himself. If you have a trusting relationship, you can try to talk about this topic. It happens that men have problems at work and have nothing to do, all the little household joys go by the wayside, and until these problems are resolved, he will walk gloomy and joyless, and you personally have nothing to do with it. In this case, it is better not to touch him, not to go to him with questions, not to make him be cheerful and cheerful, but to give him the opportunity to stay in this state. Feeling the other person and giving him free space in a relationship is very important in family life.
How to fix a situation when a husband and wife get cold to each other
You can always fix a difficult family situation if the spouses want to fix it. Often people are mistaken when they try to leave the old family and find a new partner, not realizing that they need to solve their own problems - inability to rejoice, trust, forgive. Often in such a situation, people choose for themselves an absolutely mirror partner and step on the same rake. Therefore, before taking this or that step, you first need to understand yourself and understand why you are bored and uninterested in marriage, why you require your partner to love, entertain, amuse, and confirm your own significance. Indeed, even if you are disappointed in a partner, you can always remain in the field of respect for another person, try to accept his dissimilarity, find pleasant topics for conversation, and make your relationship as pleasant as possible for each other while you are together.
Situations are different, and in some cases it is worth fighting for the preservation of the family, and in some cases it will be better for both spouses to separate. For example, if a husband is constantly dissatisfied with something, finds fault with his wife for no reason, and this has become the main leitmotif of their relationship, then in this case, of course, this is some kind of problem that needs to be solved. And sometimes it happens that she really does not dare and for both spouses it will be better to get out of this relationship.
When is a psychologist needed to save a marriage?
It is worth starting to sound the alarm when the couple cause very strong irritation at each other and can no longer be in the same space. Everything annoys them - smells, sounds, no matter what one says to the other. Here you need to understand the root cause, why is it so annoying? Most of the claims in marital relations extend from childhood - unspoken claims against parents result in claims against the spouse. As a rule, the main motive for marriage for such a person is longing for closeness, longing for love, it seems to him that he is single, and he wants to fill his gaping void with another person. When marrying, people with such inner needs at first experience euphoria from a new relationship, amuse themselves with illusions and hopes, make plans - make repairs, buy a car, give birth to a child, and life will get better. But it is not getting better, because initially the internal request to the partner to save you from loneliness was impossible, since a person can fill his void only with his inner world. And when suddenly one of the spouses realizes that, despite the harmony of plans, he is still unhappy and nothing pleases him, he is terribly disappointed in these relationships and shifts the blame from himself to another. In such a situation, to understand yourself, you should seek help from a specialist to whom you could be entrusted with the resolution of your problems.